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The 2012 Myth or: John Cusack LIED TO US

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for years, you know that some folks think that the world is coming to an end in a few short days. (Although if you’ve been living under a rock for years, you’ve probably done so in preparation for the world coming to an end. So congratulations, you weird, pale hermit.) Personally, I don’t buy all this talk about a Mayan calendar signaling the end of days. I’ve got one of those calendars at home, hanging in my craft nook. It’s even signed by Ms. Angelou herself, and goes right up to December 31st 2012 just like any other year. It’s also chock-full of inspirational quotes and anecdotes, so I don’t know why people have to be so negative. But since those haters still insist that the world is as good as gone (and since I’m no apocalyptic scholar) I present these selfish reasons why the show must go on.

1. Global warming is not complete. You didn’t really think things would end before we all had the chance to cruise the newly melted ice caps like a bunch of gill-breathing, well-tanned Kevin Costners, did you?2. We can’t let the Doomsday Preppers be right. I’ve been hate-watching this show where people stockpile creamed corn and gold jewelry in bug-out bags for a while now, and I won’t accept that they have the right idea.

3. Arrested Development is back next year. And no force of nature, no matter how vengeful, would dare keep the Bluth family from gracing our television screens again.4. I’ve got one of those massive pimples right at the corner of my mouth. And I’m not going down looking like this.

5. There are so many GIFs I haven’t been able to use in work emails. Like this one. And this one. And this one!

6. Instagram hasn’t made any money off of us yet. Their new Terms & Conditions don’t go into effect until mid-January, and we can’t put the earth to bed until the folks at Instagram have properly profited from our shots of half-eaten veggie burgers and birds on power lines and Converse shoes on various terrains. It’s not fair!

7. DANIEL DAY-LEWIS HAS NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT.

8. The IKEA monkey hasn’t had a chance at real stardom. This little bugger at least deserves to get a failed NBC pilot under his belt before we all go belly-up. And there are so many Olsens he’s yet to date!9. Only the first film in Peter Jackson’s Hobbit trilogy has come out. I can’t seriously be expected to spend the afterlife not knowing whether Bilbo ever returned the golden porridge to Cate Blanchett and saved the world from evil and who am I kidding I haven’t seen The Hobbit. Next.

10. We haven’t had our office holiday party. Oh, we did? I did what? Okay. Moving right along.

11. My newly-completed TV spots have yet to air. Those client-mandated last 12 seconds of enlarged logo aren’t going to watch themselves, people. LIVING THE DREAM.

12. I haven’t done any Christmas shopping yet. Actually, if I can skip the mall parking/mall lines/mall people and just go straight to hitting the wrapping wine while the credits roll over this world of ours, I’m cool with that. Peace out, home planet. It’s been real.

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